Isaiah and the other Isaiah

Isaiah is an old soul, you can look in his eyes and know he has been here before, done this before. As a baby he was so small and then so big! He grew so fast. His first word was UH OH! because he was always dropping stuff so we said it all the time. He is so beautiful, I know he is a boy and we are "supposed" to say handsome, but that word just isn't appropriate to describe my oldest son. In addition to Beautiful here are some other words that come to the top of my head when I think of Isaiah: Vivacious,Opinionated, Courageous, Touching, Sweet, Sensitive, Volatile, Angry, Moody, Loving, Impulsive, Controlling, Fact Mongering (ok I made that up!), Bipolar Child.

Having a Bipolar child is more difficult than I could ever describe, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, not even George Bush! My heart is torn into pieces every day Isaiah has a hard day, every time he tells me he hates me, every time he hurts himself or others. On those days I wonder who my son is, I feel like some angry monster has taken over his body and I mourn for the child that I love so much to come back. Unfortunately that child is showing up less and less and this new not-so-nice version of Isaiah is constantly rearing his ugly head!

I'm so frustrated with him I just don't know what to do for him anymore. We have tried so many different medications on him and the one that actually worked really well, suddenly pooped out on him and starting causing health issues. Lithium, a wonder drug but also a very toxic substance to put in your body everyday. Why does it seem like every thing that has to do with Bipolar disorder is Bipolar in itself? Complete opposites, two different ends of the spectrum on everything!?

When I think about Isaiah my heart hurts, its a physical squeezing I feel in my chest, if I think about him for more than a passing thought my eyes start to fill with tears (they are now) because I am feeling so hopeless and so helpless in regards to helping him deal with this nasty disease. I have a big decision to make and I think I am very close to making that decision. I just don't want to! I want this all to just go away, but I know it will NEVER go away. He will always have this disorder, he will always struggle to lead a normal life and I will always have to feel the pain in my heart when he is not succeeding. I feel trapped, and I hate it.

So about this decision... I could send him away, away to a residential treatment facility for up to a year. This is what his Dr and his counselor recommend, this is what I know in my brain to be the right thing for him at this point, but my heart and my mother intuition scream "NO! hes only 11 years old! He will feel abandoned, he will be in a place where no one loves him and institutionalized!" Then, my brain says, heart if you have a better solution for helping him please let me know. My heart doesn't have any solutions to suggest, except for just keep trying our hardest and continue letting him destroy his life and our family life as well.

This is the awful position I am in, and the decision I haven't been able to decide. I have heard great things about kids who have gone away to similar places and come back changed for the better. I just don't know if I can do this to my baby, my love, my Isaiah. One of the reasons I don't write or share about him often is because I am so torn apart over it, I think I always will be.