15 minutes

Thats what I am doing right now, 15 minutes in this day where I dont do anything required of me, instead I do what I want to do, damnit! I should be making copies for tomorows sessions. I should be going over first grade information. I like just sitting here basically typing about nothing in an office which is usually so full of chatter (I have a very chatty co worker! LOL). I like being able to just breathe and think about nothing.


I bought this metro mint water last night at the store, its actually good and very refreshing and has ZERO calories! Thats the perfect drink for me.... I do think I am losing weight, just slowly. All I have eaten today is a granola bar, a sandwhich (turkey) and a teeny bag of cheezits. I have drank one cup of coffee, one vitamin water, and one metro mint still going down. Its the evenings when I want to really eat the junk.

I checked out some books from the school Library to bring home and read with the kids. One book I picked up just because I liked the title is called The Lotus Seed by Sherry Garland. After looking it over I see its about the Vietnamese having to flee thier country and carrying this seed everywhere they go. It is a sad but touching book, I hope the kids like it!

The evenings have been hectic so far this week, but then it is only tuesday! Hopefully tonight will go better. We have been having a hump day partys on our front lawns on wed nights! A lot of wine, a few good friends, and some shameless gossip makes for a fun mid week release.

Well its time for me to go, I choose to spend my 15 minutes here with you, and now my time has ended! Off to help a child READ! :)

Isaiah and the other Isaiah

Isaiah is an old soul, you can look in his eyes and know he has been here before, done this before. As a baby he was so small and then so big! He grew so fast. His first word was UH OH! because he was always dropping stuff so we said it all the time. He is so beautiful, I know he is a boy and we are "supposed" to say handsome, but that word just isn't appropriate to describe my oldest son. In addition to Beautiful here are some other words that come to the top of my head when I think of Isaiah: Vivacious,Opinionated, Courageous, Touching, Sweet, Sensitive, Volatile, Angry, Moody, Loving, Impulsive, Controlling, Fact Mongering (ok I made that up!), Bipolar Child.

Having a Bipolar child is more difficult than I could ever describe, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, not even George Bush! My heart is torn into pieces every day Isaiah has a hard day, every time he tells me he hates me, every time he hurts himself or others. On those days I wonder who my son is, I feel like some angry monster has taken over his body and I mourn for the child that I love so much to come back. Unfortunately that child is showing up less and less and this new not-so-nice version of Isaiah is constantly rearing his ugly head!

I'm so frustrated with him I just don't know what to do for him anymore. We have tried so many different medications on him and the one that actually worked really well, suddenly pooped out on him and starting causing health issues. Lithium, a wonder drug but also a very toxic substance to put in your body everyday. Why does it seem like every thing that has to do with Bipolar disorder is Bipolar in itself? Complete opposites, two different ends of the spectrum on everything!?

When I think about Isaiah my heart hurts, its a physical squeezing I feel in my chest, if I think about him for more than a passing thought my eyes start to fill with tears (they are now) because I am feeling so hopeless and so helpless in regards to helping him deal with this nasty disease. I have a big decision to make and I think I am very close to making that decision. I just don't want to! I want this all to just go away, but I know it will NEVER go away. He will always have this disorder, he will always struggle to lead a normal life and I will always have to feel the pain in my heart when he is not succeeding. I feel trapped, and I hate it.

So about this decision... I could send him away, away to a residential treatment facility for up to a year. This is what his Dr and his counselor recommend, this is what I know in my brain to be the right thing for him at this point, but my heart and my mother intuition scream "NO! hes only 11 years old! He will feel abandoned, he will be in a place where no one loves him and institutionalized!" Then, my brain says, heart if you have a better solution for helping him please let me know. My heart doesn't have any solutions to suggest, except for just keep trying our hardest and continue letting him destroy his life and our family life as well.

This is the awful position I am in, and the decision I haven't been able to decide. I have heard great things about kids who have gone away to similar places and come back changed for the better. I just don't know if I can do this to my baby, my love, my Isaiah. One of the reasons I don't write or share about him often is because I am so torn apart over it, I think I always will be.

I'm starting my diet on Monday

I found the most appropriate coffee cup for me in the teachers lounge today. It states that "I'm starting my diet on Monday" which is ironic, because this is what I am always saying. So lame LOL! I know I need to diet, I want to diet, I want to be healthy and thin, but OMG its so hard with this life I lead! But, I am going to start a program soon, actually maybe next Monday would be good...

So this is my second full week of work, things are going well (I'm sure your all wondering why I am blogging at work!) and I really enjoy the work! We are very excited to be done with testing and moving on to actual interventions with kids!

I can hear them all piling into school now, so alive and exuberant! What I wouldn't give to feel like these kids do in the morning again. The first week was super hard on my knee but even though it hurts every day, it is more bearable. I don't go into see the orthopedic doctor until October.

The kids are doing really well and loving school! Elijah has a great male teacher this year who is actually keeping him in line so far. Journee and Chloe both love their full day kindergarten classes and always come home full of news of their day. Madison is her same old sassy self at home but is doing great in school. Isaiah, not so much. He is still unstable and we had a nightmare of a summer. I keep hoping things may be on the upswing for him, I feel like he has such a torturous life. :(

So life is hectic and very FULL. Ive never had to work all day with kids and them come home and deal with kids as well. Its entertaining to say the least!

I am loving our little group of friends we have now! For years I have dreamed of having a bunch of close comfortable "girlfriends". I have never been able to achieve this in previous times because we always moved around so much. Now after being in Rochester for 4 years, I feel like we finally have that core group of friends. We do really fun things together, even if its just hanging out in one of our front yards with glasses of wine, talking about our lives, our kids, sex (or lack of) or anything at all. Sometimes we go out on the weekends and I am learning that some people are fun to go out with and some people not so much! I am also learning that to go to certain bars, you need to be really buzzed before you get there! Otherwise I am so disgusted by everyone who is already drunk and acting like maniacs...

I have been writing this blog on and off for the past two hours. Maybe I will blog more often now, and maybe not? I seem to go in spurts with everything in life, because I do get bored so easily with the mundane.

TTFN!